Get in the game, get a coach!

"Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.”

- John Wooden

No, not that kind of coach... although John Wooden is pretty cool (click on the link above to learn more about him). Thanks to J we found Dr. Poonam Sharma, The China Adoption Coach.

Last night she hosted a teleconference, "Preparing for the Adoption Trip". It was really less about travel, though, and more about bonding, attachment and transitions. I've done a lot of reading about adoption and I still thought this was an hour well-spent. Even better, I put the call on speaker phone so Rob could listen in. I even caught him taking some notes!

Dr. Sharma will be having a repeat session on Oct 1. If you're interested, you can register here http://www.telephonebridgeservices.com/event_details.html?eventid=9959. The call is one hour long and it's FREE (except for phone charges). She also has an e-newsletter that I just signed up for and the site has some very helpful links as well.

BTW, Dr. Sharma is mother to one daughter from China and is LID March (?) 2006 for her second. So, she's both a licensed therapist and an a-parent.

So many books, so little time...

I've been making good use of my van pool time the past couple of weeks (not that my previous van pool activity - sleeping - was a poor use of time, but this is even better!). First I read our July book club* book, Beyond Good Intentions by Cherie Register. It was a quick, easy, POSITIVE read, which was so good for me. So many of the adoption books focus on what can go wrong, that it is really refreshing to read something that makes you feel that, despite some challenges and mistakes along the way, in the end it might turn out all right.

Then I read Learning the Dance of Attachment by Holly VanGulden and Charlotte Vick. Holly was the speaker we heard back in April. We really learned a lot from that seminar, so I ordered her book from Crossroads. This book did more than just make me feel better, it made me feel empowered to make a positive difference in our child's life. I've reread several parts of the book already and made Rob promise me that he would read it. I consider this a must-read for all adoptive parents. I know that I will keep mine on hand for reference for years to come.

Next up is my library book, Talking with Young Children About Adoption by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher. I checked this out on the recommendation of C at work and think that I will probably buy a copy to keep, but since they had it at the library I figured I'd go ahead and take it out for a test read.

And if that wasn't enough, in today's mail:

I think I need to take some time off and spend a couple of days reading at the beach. I've got the beach on my brain - this topic comes up at least 2-3 times every day. By the way, I don't only read about adoption. I'm also reading Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons, which coincidentally does include an adoption :)

* This is the adoption book club at work.

Some random thoughts...

I'm sorry, this post is not going to be coherent. I have a lot on my mind.

(1) As many of you I'm sure know, a horrible story of a disrupted adoption surfaced this week. Here's a link. It is at once heartbreaking and eye opening for those of us in wait. If you're a worrier, you should probably not read this (Mom - this means you!), but if you are a waiting parent and are not already following Jen's blog, I would encourage you to catch up with the story. I'm sure this sort of thing does not happen often, but it does happen and we all need to educate ourselves and be as prepared as possible.

(2) AmFam wrote a hysterical post this week. First I laughed Diet Coke out my nose. Then I dwelled over our robbing Nora of her culture. I posted the following comment on AmFam's blog:

Comment from Jennifer Time: April 22, 2007, 11:14 pm
Great post - made me laugh Diet Coke out my nose!
I share many of your feelings about the FCC. It’s disturbing. Here’s my dilemma. DH and I neither are Chinese. We are concerned about robbing our daughter of her culture, but nothing we do is going to be really authentic. Thankfully we have a few friends who are Chinese (some live here, some in China). We will travel to China - I love it there. But… that’s an every couple of years kind of thing. In between, though, what can we do that’s not… well… creepy?

This is such a difficult position to be in. At once we are robbing our child of her culture and pretending to be Chinese. How on Earth do you ever do the right thing?? I want to be the best parent possible. I want Nora to be proud of who she is. I will not dress her up in silk brocade and I will also not wrap her in an American flag. If any of you ever see me do either, please give me a good whack, ok?? Wait -what about the red couch photo??* Should we ditch that? Please advise.

(3) I ordered that book, Learning the Dance of Attachment: An Adoptive Parent's Guide to Fostering Healthy Development, that I wrote about last week. It came yesterday and I started reading it this afternoon. I'm also reading Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew for the Adoption Network book club at work. I'm sure I will have thoughts to share about both.

(4) Holy Cow -- I almost forgot the best event of the week! We received our new I-171H on Wednesday. This one is good through 10/26/2008. I sure hope that we have Nora home by then and are on our way to Carys. Carys will be Nora's Mei Mei (little sister) ... I hope!

*The "red couch photo" is a Chinese adoption tradition. Every travel group has a photo taken of the babies dressed in Chinese clothing on a red couch in the White Swan Hotel.

The "dance" of attachment

Yesterday Rob and I attended a very good seminar about attachment. The speaker was Holly Van Gulden, an author and family counselor who grew up in a family formed through transracial adoption (four brothers I think she said - and this was back in the day when transracial adoption was much more unusual than it is now) and who is an adoptive parent herself.

We learned a lot and came away with some good information about transitioning Nora into our family and promoting attachment and also about talking to our families and daycare providers about attachment issues and what we need them to do to help Nora. I should have bought Holly's book, but foolishly assumed that I could get it on Amazon. Turns out the only way I've found to order it is through Crossroads Adoption (where the co-author Charlotte Vick works). Here's a link to a review on the Adoptive Families website and to the order form on Crossroads Adoption's website.

If you ever have a chance to hear Ms Van Gulden speak, take it! She's outstanding.

Worth a read

I was just on the Rumor Queen's site for my daily visit and found a really helpful post about transitions and attachment. Please check it out -- click here.

East Meets West

Yesterday we attended GWCA's East Meets West adoption conference in Minneapolis. It was a very nicely organized event with a number of interesting sessions about such topics as cross cultural parenting, bonding & attachment, chinese culture, community support, travel, etc.

The best session we attended was "Cross Cultural Parenting", presented by Cheri Register, author of Are Those Kids Yours?: American Families With Children Adopted From Other Countries and Beyond Good Intentions: A Mother Reflects On Raising Internationally Adopted Children. She offered a number of insightful comments such as "Listen to what your child tells you about race and racism; do not assume color-blindness." and "Stay in touch with the internationally adopted community because this will probably be where your child finds her identity". She also recommended listening to and reading the writings of adult adoptees and being prepared not to like everything you hear, but acknowleding the validity of the comments. I've been doing this already and, she's right, theirs is not an easy meassage to hear, but it is so important I think for adoptive parents to listen and learn.

Rob went to a (similar? hard to tell since I wasn't there myself) session presented by an adult adoptee and adoptive parent representing the local FCC chapter. Rob said she talked about some of the uninformed and insensitive comments that people make in the presense of children - the example she gave was her mother in law saying something really horrifying like "aren't you glad her eyes aren't very slanty?" (this said to her Korean daughter-in-law and in front of her Chinese granddaughter!) - and the need to educate friends and family in advance of receiving the baby. What she didn't say was how precisely to do this, which would have been very helpful!

We also bumped into a few people we knew at the event. Our friend Annette (hi, Annette!) introduced us to a new book called Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections. I flipped through it a bit at breakfast and it looks like a fantastic reference. Its list price is $29.95, but Amazon has it for only $19.77 ... or you could use a Borders Rewards coupon, which is probably what I'll do since it's an excuse to go to Borders.